Because I do...

It's a quiet day in the park...and I was about to learn another one of life's lessons.

There were only a few kids playing quietly...so it's the perfect atmosphere for some socialization with Addie.  After seeing another little girl Addie's age...I prompted her to ask and see if she wants to play.  To my pleasant surprise Addie runs over and says her "script".  "Hi my name's Addie...what's your name...do you want to play with me?...Ok my name's Addie...what's your name...do you want to play....do you want to....do you want to."   Addie is repeating herself over and over.  The other little girl is looking a little confused.  I'm waiting eagerly to see if she'll say yes.  "Oh Lord please let her say yes....come on...say yes...don't notice she's repeating...just say yes".  Then the other little girl furrows her brow and says "why do you talk funny?  what's wrong with you?".  I'd be lying if I didn't admit I teared up a bit.  I tried to look away so the other mom's wouldn't notice.  I was so proud of Addie for going over to her and trying to talk to her.  I wished she could have just said yes.  Of course we've heard this before..but it still punches me in the gut every time.  I'm standing there praying for strength....and trying to remind myself to be proud of the little milestones and not get carried away.

I wasn't sure what Addie was going to do...usually she meltsdown...or starts jumping around and flapping her arms screaming....she just doesn't know how to respond.  But today was different.  As I was looking up at the heavens trying to pull myself together and praying for a way to explain this to the other child.  Addie shouts...."BECAUSE I DO" in a very stern confident voice.  WOW....I'm speechless....I look down and see Addie about 6 inches from the little girl's face.  The little girl looks shocked and glances at me for help.  It was a strange moment.  I was so proud of Addie for expressing herself....but I knew it looked strange to the other mommies...and she had possibly scared the other little girl by yelling in her face.  But I knew this was HUGE for Addie.

Bending down on their level...I reminded Addie to talk quieter when her friends are close.  I wanted to scoop her up and hug her tightly and tell her how proud I was....but I restrained myself since that would only upset Addie.  I calmly told her how proud I was of her and that she had used her good words.

Of course, the other little girl had run away by this point...confused and upset.  She was yelling across the playground asking her mom "what's wrong with her?...is there something wrong with her?".  The other mom was trying to hush her daughter and smiled sheepishly at me.  As I tried to walk over and explain...she quickly hurried away with her child.

I sighed and looked down at Addie...she was pleasantly oblivious to the awkward situation and was sitting scooping up mulch and running it through her fingers.  I almost laughed out loud.  Here I am almost in tears...worrying about Addie's feeling being hurt...worrying about her being picked on or never having friends....worrying about talking to the other mom.  And here's Addie calm and collected....she doesn't seem to care in the least.  She gave her answer..."because I do"....and now she has moved on.  How beautiful is that?!

So many times I try to explain myself...I worry about what other's think...I worry about what I say or didn't say...I question myself about why I feel a certain way or why I don't.  It's overwhelming the mind games we play with ourselves.  But not Addie.  Her answer is..."because I do".  I love that.

I've been noticing myself this week...worry worry worry....taking the world on my shoulders.  Why God this and why God that....worry worry worry...when Lord this and when Lord that....worry worry worry.

Addie says...it's just "because I do".

But I think the Lord was trying to show me that....it's just because He does.  Having faith.  Simple and perfect.

As I watched her sitting in the mulch playing obliviously.  I thought about how wonderful that would be.  I had just been shouting at the heavens a few minutes early...having one of my "why God ...why me God...moments".  And here Addie is just sitting there playing.

As I teared up again....I felt like God was telling me...it's just because I do...

It really hit me...that's all the explanation I need...at least all I should need.  He made Addie just the way she is...and He made her for a reason...and He has a plan for her life.  And it's because He did.

So I bent down....sitting in the mulch....trying to worry a little less and trying to play a little more....

O' to Rush a Butterfly

My lesson in waiting...

Addie is perched on the edge of her seat nose to nose with the miracle that is unfolding right in front of us.  "what's it doing mommy...what's it doing mommy...what's it doing mommy?". After waiting for weeks for these little caterpillars to turn into a chrysalis and finally emerge as butterflies...it's all happening.  Slowly slowly slowly...the butterfly is trying to crawl out of it's comfortable chrysalis.  Addie is so excited she's shaking...chewing her hair...her heart is beating through her chest.  Her little eyes are totally focused...not even blinking as she watches.  So here we are... just waiting and watching...

This looks like a picturesque moment...and it was...but leave it to my craziness to ruin it.  We were LATE for school.  I was sooo frustrated with these butterflies..."ugh after waiting all this time...and NOW you want to come out".  So I began to pray...or more like silently shout at God..."oh Lord...please help this butterfly to hurry up...Lord we are going to be so late...help this little butterfly come out faster...come ONNN".  Then as if an answer to my fervent prayers...another chrysalis starts to crack.  Addie is shrieking and flapping her hands..."mommy moommy mommy...it's coming...it's coming...it's coming".  Meanwhile, I'm silently about to pull my hair out..."AHHHHHH...Oh NOOOO...come ONNNNN...not another one".  These butterflies are taking forever...we are LATE for school ... I'm going to be late for work....AHHHHHH...

As I stood there pacing silently in my "mommy frenzy"...I felt the Lord saying...just stop...just stop...just stop.  Look at this beautiful miracle that is right in front of you....look at this beautiful moment I've blessed you with.  Suddenly I remembered the verse "Martha...Martha you are worried and bothered about many things" Luke 10:41...I felt like He was whispering this right in my ear.  We had a sermon in church about this exact verse...Martha had good intentions preparing a meal for Jesus...but she missed the point.  The point was to spend time with Jesus.  My intentions for getting to school and work on time were good...but I was missing the point of being in this amazing moment with Addie.

I got a little teary eyed as the Lord revealed to me that I was missing this amazing moment....I was missing the Lord's blessings...all because of my silly distractions...

Totally giving up...I sat down beside her...plopped my bags on the floor...and just stopped...stopped rushing...stopped thinking...just being in the moment.

As Addie was watching her butterflies come alive...I was blessed with such an amazing surprise.  I got to watch my own little butterfly come alive.  She was telling me the whole process...showing me the butterfly's proboscis (it's tongue)...telling me to hurry and get some oranges for it to eat...telling me about the blood pumping through it's wings...telling me how long it was going to take for it's wings to dry.  I was utterly amazed how much she knew about these butterflies.

I felt so guilty for almost missing this amazing moment with her.  "Thank you Lord...thank you for stopping me".  The Lord was teaching me a lesson...I knew it...I felt like He was saying to me.....you cannot rush a butterfly.  Addie and the butterflies are on God's perfect time...not mine.

Addie has taught me so much in her 4 years.  But one of the most amazing things...is to just stop and wait....wait for her...wait on God...wait for my butterfly.

Addie takes a little longer to process change...to figure out how to get her shoes on...to find the words to say...to decide if she likes the food on her plate...to comprehend what you just said to her.  She may need a little extra time...but she can do it...she can come out of her chrysalis.  And it's a beautiful thing.

"Addie go get your shoes".....I hold my breath and count to 10...just give her a minute...I tell myself....my mind whirling...did she hear me?...did she understand?...Should I just go get them for her? Sometimes there is a long pause...or maybe she's staring into the distance...and then after a few minutes she suddenly gets up and goes to find her shoes.  It sounds like a simple request...but for Addie it's HUGE.  These little moments are milestones for her and we are overjoyed.  I have to remind myself what would happen if I hadn't waited...if I had rushed her...she never would have learned to get her shoes.  It's these little moments when she emerges from her chrysalis.  It gives me hope and I am so blessed to see her come alive.  It's these little moments that she starts to become a butterfly.

The Lord has taught me so much through waiting.  I've learned that my schedule and my timing means nothing.  The Lord has perfect timing.  I make a mess trying to do everything on my own.  As my Dad always reminds me..."For God is not a God of confusion but of peace" 1 Corinthians 14:33. I need to just stop and wait....lay everything at the foot of the cross...and let Him take control.  He may not give me an answer as fast as I want or the way that I want him to.  But there's a reason for that...He knows what's best...and His timing is perfect.

It may take Addie a little longer than most kids to do some things...it may take her a few more trys...it might take a picture or two...or maybe a social story...or her magic quiet ears...she may need a little more instruction and help...but she can do it.  She can come out of her chrysalis when she's given the chance.

When I wait on her...and when I wait on God...I am amazed with these beautiful life moments where I see a miracle.  I see a butterfly.