My lesson in waiting...
Addie is perched on the edge of her seat nose to nose with the miracle that is unfolding right in front of us. "what's it doing mommy...what's it doing mommy...what's it doing mommy?". After waiting for weeks for these little caterpillars to turn into a chrysalis and finally emerge as butterflies...it's all happening. Slowly slowly slowly...the butterfly is trying to crawl out of it's comfortable chrysalis. Addie is so excited she's shaking...chewing her hair...her heart is beating through her chest. Her little eyes are totally focused...not even blinking as she watches. So here we are... just waiting and watching...
This looks like a picturesque moment...and it was...but leave it to my craziness to ruin it. We were LATE for school. I was sooo frustrated with these butterflies..."ugh after waiting all this time...and NOW you want to come out". So I began to pray...or more like silently shout at God..."oh Lord...please help this butterfly to hurry up...Lord we are going to be so late...help this little butterfly come out faster...come ONNN". Then as if an answer to my fervent prayers...another chrysalis starts to crack. Addie is shrieking and flapping her hands..."mommy moommy mommy...it's coming...it's coming...it's coming". Meanwhile, I'm silently about to pull my hair out..."AHHHHHH...Oh NOOOO...come ONNNNN...not another one". These butterflies are taking forever...we are LATE for school ... I'm going to be late for work....AHHHHHH...
As I stood there pacing silently in my "mommy frenzy"...I felt the Lord saying...just stop...just stop...just stop. Look at this beautiful miracle that is right in front of you....look at this beautiful moment I've blessed you with. Suddenly I remembered the verse "Martha...Martha you are worried and bothered about many things" Luke 10:41...I felt like He was whispering this right in my ear. We had a sermon in church about this exact verse...Martha had good intentions preparing a meal for Jesus...but she missed the point. The point was to spend time with Jesus. My intentions for getting to school and work on time were good...but I was missing the point of being in this amazing moment with Addie.
I got a little teary eyed as the Lord revealed to me that I was missing this amazing moment....I was missing the Lord's blessings...all because of my silly distractions...
Totally giving up...I sat down beside her...plopped my bags on the floor...and just stopped...stopped rushing...stopped thinking...just being in the moment.
As Addie was watching her butterflies come alive...I was blessed with such an amazing surprise. I got to watch my own little butterfly come alive. She was telling me the whole process...showing me the butterfly's proboscis (it's tongue)...telling me to hurry and get some oranges for it to eat...telling me about the blood pumping through it's wings...telling me how long it was going to take for it's wings to dry. I was utterly amazed how much she knew about these butterflies.
I felt so guilty for almost missing this amazing moment with her. "Thank you Lord...thank you for stopping me". The Lord was teaching me a lesson...I knew it...I felt like He was saying to me.....you cannot rush a butterfly. Addie and the butterflies are on God's perfect time...not mine.
Addie has taught me so much in her 4 years. But one of the most amazing things...is to just stop and wait....wait for her...wait on God...wait for my butterfly.
Addie takes a little longer to process change...to figure out how to get her shoes on...to find the words to say...to decide if she likes the food on her plate...to comprehend what you just said to her. She may need a little extra time...but she can do it...she can come out of her chrysalis. And it's a beautiful thing.
"Addie go get your shoes".....I hold my breath and count to 10...just give her a minute...I tell myself....my mind whirling...did she hear me?...did she understand?...Should I just go get them for her? Sometimes there is a long pause...or maybe she's staring into the distance...and then after a few minutes she suddenly gets up and goes to find her shoes. It sounds like a simple request...but for Addie it's HUGE. These little moments are milestones for her and we are overjoyed. I have to remind myself what would happen if I hadn't waited...if I had rushed her...she never would have learned to get her shoes. It's these little moments when she emerges from her chrysalis. It gives me hope and I am so blessed to see her come alive. It's these little moments that she starts to become a butterfly.
The Lord has taught me so much through waiting. I've learned that my schedule and my timing means nothing. The Lord has perfect timing. I make a mess trying to do everything on my own. As my Dad always reminds me..."For God is not a God of confusion but of peace" 1 Corinthians 14:33. I need to just stop and wait....lay everything at the foot of the cross...and let Him take control. He may not give me an answer as fast as I want or the way that I want him to. But there's a reason for that...He knows what's best...and His timing is perfect.
It may take Addie a little longer than most kids to do some things...it may take her a few more trys...it might take a picture or two...or maybe a social story...or her magic quiet ears...she may need a little more instruction and help...but she can do it. She can come out of her chrysalis when she's given the chance.
When I wait on her...and when I wait on God...I am amazed with these beautiful life moments where I see a miracle. I see a butterfly.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Autism Land
Admitting...anyone willing to forget the "normal"...willing to forget what is "appropriate"...and willing to open your eyes to a whole new world...
Before taking a journey into Autism Land...keep in mind that every resident is different...and every visitor has a different experience there. It may even be hard to tell who is a resident and who is a vistor at times. This is a "travel guide" to Autism Land....of course it's based on my personal experience as a somewhat permanent visitor there...
In Autism Land you "say it like you mean it". Throw away the "Normal" slang...throw away the jokes...everything is literal. So just say what you mean...be blunt and straight forward....don't hint...don't "beat around the bush" (and yes, if you said that to Addie she would be looking for a bush). Last week I called Addie a "silly goose"...she was VERY upset...."no...no...no.... I am not a goose...I am Addie...I'm not a goose....I'm not". Of course...sometimes this can be funny...and it does makes for some very humorous moments. My husband, J, and I usually look at each other...and silently laugh with our eyes. But it's really best to be clear and direct.
In Autism Land a couch is not a sofa...a cat is not a kitty cat...big is not large... Each object has a name...only ONE name. Sure you may think... "couch", "sofa", "seat"... they all mean the same thing right? Wrong in Autism Land. Addie does not understand what you mean if you call an object the "wrong name". She might scream...cry...or correct you bluntly. It may not make sense to you...but that's ok ... you don't make sense to her either.
In Autism Land change is not welcome. Addie likes everything to be the same. If I made toast first yesterday....then I can't make eggs first today. Like many of the residence of Autism Land...she is having to live in your world...and is having to understand things that make no sense to her world. So, I can't say I blame her...If I had to deal with all that she has to understand and cope with everyday...I might want a little sameness too.
In Autism Land there are rules. Everyone has "rules". I call them "rules" for Addie...because they are just that. They cannot be broken...and if they are... there needs to be fair warning and many discussions about it before hand. For you and me...it may just be a "pet peeve"...like a certain side of the bed you like to sleep on. But for Addie they are rules. A few of Addies rules ...stand in a certain place in the bathtub...have me count to 7 while pouring water on her head...dress in a certain order (underwear first, then shirt, then shorts, then glasses, then brush hair)...hair brushing is five strokes on each side of her head...bed time is the biggy (one story, lay down, pull up covers, tuck in caterpillar, one kiss, one hug, prayer, walk to door, blow kiss, then we recite the entire schedule for tomorrow - yes, even down to what are we going to eat for breakfast). It may sounds crazy to some...but these rules help Addie cope with the fact that she is trying to live in our world...it's a comfort to her...and it keeps her calm. It helps her cope and to function.
In Autism Land you may not speak the same language. Addie's language sounds like your language...but it's not always the same language. She may not always understand you and you might not always understand her. Addie may yell loudly in your face and scream "HELLO"...but she may talk quiet as a mouse to ask for help in a busy classroom. She may repeat herself over and over and over. It's ok this calms her and helps her to comprehend. She may begin to quote a TV show or a book. She may just want to tell you all about butterflies...she doesn't want you to interrupt...just wants to talk. C has another language. His language is with signs or pictures...or maybe some gestures or sounds. He talks..it's just not the same language. If you are patient and quietly listen and watch...you will understand their language. You will hear beautiful stories from a child. You will see the glimmer of light in their eyes. Your heart will be touched and your mind will be opened to something new...a little bit of their world.
In Autism Land things may not always seem "appropriate". Addie may run up to a person on the playground and scream "my fingernails are painted"...and then run away. The person may look confused...but it was her way of trying to interact. She may tell me sharply "be quiet mommy". To others this may sound rude or disrespectful. But I know that this is such a HUGE step for her. When my voice was too loud for her a year ago Addie would have had a huge melt-down...and it would have been a rough day. So when she uses her words to tell me to "be quiet mommy"...we rejoice...even though other's may think it's "inappropriate". It's actually very appropriate. It may seem like Addie says inappropriate things at the inappropriate times...but in reality it might be more appropriate than you think.
In Autism Land sock seams and tags are a HUGE deal. "AHhhhh....there's something in my shoe...ahhhh...it hurts me....ahhhhh"...Addie screams as I try to pull off her shoe. To my surprise...there is nothing there. I should correct myself here....to me there is nothing....but to Addie the seam in her sock is painfully uncomfortable. She cannot continue our walk because of the painful seam.
In Autism Land honesty rules! "Did you hit your brother?"...."Yes I did"..."Why?"..."I don't like him"..."Is that nice?"..."No"....this is a typical conversation with Addie. She has never lied to me...she has never tried to hide something she did wrong...nor does she ever assume anything. She will tell you if she doesn't like you...or if you are too loud...or if you smell. It might be funny or hurtful. But when she says "I love you" you know it is real and true and for no other reason than the fact that she loves you. So skip the pleasantries...it's just the pure raw honest truth in Autism Land. I guess could all learn something from this one.
In Autism Land the lights can be loud. Addie calls them "scary lights"....the dreaded fluorescents. She says they are flickery...and too loud. She has "super sonic" hearing and notices the little things that we tend to drown out as background noise.
In Autism Land emotions may not be what they seem. Addie may scream and laugh when she is getting upset...she may have a furrowed brow when she is happy...she may be staring out the window when she is really listening to every word you say. You can't always read her emotions...and on the flip side...she has a hard time reading your emotions...she doesn't notice your tone of voice or that "motherly LOOK" you give her when she has stepped over the line. She doesn't see the subtle hints and body language. Sometimes I wish I could do this too. Just ignore all that...and take life for what it is...plain and simple.
In Autism Land the world is seen in pictures, patterns, and colors. Addie immediately notices what color you are wearing...especially if it's green (her favorite). She will then start matching it up to all the other similar colors in the room. Don't try to pass off orange for red...she will correct you. She always knows if things are the same or different. She likes to organize....by color, size, and shape. She likes to count things. She likes to make lines of similar objects. She makes the most complicated beautiful block towers (and she would correct me...as she calls them her "machines"). As a designer I love to watch her create patterns and lines...I love to watch her budding art skills. Her creativity always amazes me.
In Autism Land there is true passion. When Addie likes something....she REALLY likes it...and I mean totally whole heartedly passionate about it. Her passion with butterflies has lead her to learn all the different species of butterflies and the entire life-cycle by age 3. One day...while hiking through the woods...she says "that's a black swallowtail". I looked at her and then at my husband and we shrugged. I wasn't sure what she meant. When we got home I realized that one of her books had the different butterfly species in the back. I asked my husband and found out he had been reading those names to her....and she was RIGHT!! It really was a black swallowtail. From that day on...we have seen her recognize many different types of butterflies. She even figured out the different between moths and butterflies...between male and female monarch butterflies...the different types of caterpillars...how the caterpillar sheds it's skin...what their favorite plants are...and many many many other facts and findings. She has such a thirst for knowledge. We just keep encouraging her...keep on praising our little passionate butterfly scientist. I never would have had this type of concentration at her age (...yeah right...who am I kidding...I don't even have that kind of focus at my age now). She just continues to amaze me everyday with her sheer passion and brilliance.
Autism Land is a gift. It will change you forever. Being a permanent visitor has taught me so much in understanding, patience, humility, and tolerance in my life. It has brought me to me knees...it has put me in the clouds...it has taught me life lessons that I am forever thankful for. I will never again look at someone else and judge...I will never again think that it can never happen to me...I will never again think I can do this life on my own. The Lord has used Autism Land in my life to show me His love and strengthen my faith. He has blessed me over and over. My two little butterfly residence are perfect in His sight. And I know....He made them just the way they are.
So take a trip and visit Autism Land....you'll meet someone amazing....you'll laugh and you'll cry....you'r faith will be strengthened....and you might even realize that normal isn't so normal after all.
Before taking a journey into Autism Land...keep in mind that every resident is different...and every visitor has a different experience there. It may even be hard to tell who is a resident and who is a vistor at times. This is a "travel guide" to Autism Land....of course it's based on my personal experience as a somewhat permanent visitor there...
In Autism Land you "say it like you mean it". Throw away the "Normal" slang...throw away the jokes...everything is literal. So just say what you mean...be blunt and straight forward....don't hint...don't "beat around the bush" (and yes, if you said that to Addie she would be looking for a bush). Last week I called Addie a "silly goose"...she was VERY upset...."no...no...no.... I am not a goose...I am Addie...I'm not a goose....I'm not". Of course...sometimes this can be funny...and it does makes for some very humorous moments. My husband, J, and I usually look at each other...and silently laugh with our eyes. But it's really best to be clear and direct.
In Autism Land a couch is not a sofa...a cat is not a kitty cat...big is not large... Each object has a name...only ONE name. Sure you may think... "couch", "sofa", "seat"... they all mean the same thing right? Wrong in Autism Land. Addie does not understand what you mean if you call an object the "wrong name". She might scream...cry...or correct you bluntly. It may not make sense to you...but that's ok ... you don't make sense to her either.
In Autism Land change is not welcome. Addie likes everything to be the same. If I made toast first yesterday....then I can't make eggs first today. Like many of the residence of Autism Land...she is having to live in your world...and is having to understand things that make no sense to her world. So, I can't say I blame her...If I had to deal with all that she has to understand and cope with everyday...I might want a little sameness too.
In Autism Land there are rules. Everyone has "rules". I call them "rules" for Addie...because they are just that. They cannot be broken...and if they are... there needs to be fair warning and many discussions about it before hand. For you and me...it may just be a "pet peeve"...like a certain side of the bed you like to sleep on. But for Addie they are rules. A few of Addies rules ...stand in a certain place in the bathtub...have me count to 7 while pouring water on her head...dress in a certain order (underwear first, then shirt, then shorts, then glasses, then brush hair)...hair brushing is five strokes on each side of her head...bed time is the biggy (one story, lay down, pull up covers, tuck in caterpillar, one kiss, one hug, prayer, walk to door, blow kiss, then we recite the entire schedule for tomorrow - yes, even down to what are we going to eat for breakfast). It may sounds crazy to some...but these rules help Addie cope with the fact that she is trying to live in our world...it's a comfort to her...and it keeps her calm. It helps her cope and to function.
In Autism Land you may not speak the same language. Addie's language sounds like your language...but it's not always the same language. She may not always understand you and you might not always understand her. Addie may yell loudly in your face and scream "HELLO"...but she may talk quiet as a mouse to ask for help in a busy classroom. She may repeat herself over and over and over. It's ok this calms her and helps her to comprehend. She may begin to quote a TV show or a book. She may just want to tell you all about butterflies...she doesn't want you to interrupt...just wants to talk. C has another language. His language is with signs or pictures...or maybe some gestures or sounds. He talks..it's just not the same language. If you are patient and quietly listen and watch...you will understand their language. You will hear beautiful stories from a child. You will see the glimmer of light in their eyes. Your heart will be touched and your mind will be opened to something new...a little bit of their world.
In Autism Land things may not always seem "appropriate". Addie may run up to a person on the playground and scream "my fingernails are painted"...and then run away. The person may look confused...but it was her way of trying to interact. She may tell me sharply "be quiet mommy". To others this may sound rude or disrespectful. But I know that this is such a HUGE step for her. When my voice was too loud for her a year ago Addie would have had a huge melt-down...and it would have been a rough day. So when she uses her words to tell me to "be quiet mommy"...we rejoice...even though other's may think it's "inappropriate". It's actually very appropriate. It may seem like Addie says inappropriate things at the inappropriate times...but in reality it might be more appropriate than you think.
In Autism Land sock seams and tags are a HUGE deal. "AHhhhh....there's something in my shoe...ahhhh...it hurts me....ahhhhh"...Addie screams as I try to pull off her shoe. To my surprise...there is nothing there. I should correct myself here....to me there is nothing....but to Addie the seam in her sock is painfully uncomfortable. She cannot continue our walk because of the painful seam.
In Autism Land honesty rules! "Did you hit your brother?"...."Yes I did"..."Why?"..."I don't like him"..."Is that nice?"..."No"....this is a typical conversation with Addie. She has never lied to me...she has never tried to hide something she did wrong...nor does she ever assume anything. She will tell you if she doesn't like you...or if you are too loud...or if you smell. It might be funny or hurtful. But when she says "I love you" you know it is real and true and for no other reason than the fact that she loves you. So skip the pleasantries...it's just the pure raw honest truth in Autism Land. I guess could all learn something from this one.
In Autism Land the lights can be loud. Addie calls them "scary lights"....the dreaded fluorescents. She says they are flickery...and too loud. She has "super sonic" hearing and notices the little things that we tend to drown out as background noise.
In Autism Land emotions may not be what they seem. Addie may scream and laugh when she is getting upset...she may have a furrowed brow when she is happy...she may be staring out the window when she is really listening to every word you say. You can't always read her emotions...and on the flip side...she has a hard time reading your emotions...she doesn't notice your tone of voice or that "motherly LOOK" you give her when she has stepped over the line. She doesn't see the subtle hints and body language. Sometimes I wish I could do this too. Just ignore all that...and take life for what it is...plain and simple.
In Autism Land the world is seen in pictures, patterns, and colors. Addie immediately notices what color you are wearing...especially if it's green (her favorite). She will then start matching it up to all the other similar colors in the room. Don't try to pass off orange for red...she will correct you. She always knows if things are the same or different. She likes to organize....by color, size, and shape. She likes to count things. She likes to make lines of similar objects. She makes the most complicated beautiful block towers (and she would correct me...as she calls them her "machines"). As a designer I love to watch her create patterns and lines...I love to watch her budding art skills. Her creativity always amazes me.
In Autism Land there is true passion. When Addie likes something....she REALLY likes it...and I mean totally whole heartedly passionate about it. Her passion with butterflies has lead her to learn all the different species of butterflies and the entire life-cycle by age 3. One day...while hiking through the woods...she says "that's a black swallowtail". I looked at her and then at my husband and we shrugged. I wasn't sure what she meant. When we got home I realized that one of her books had the different butterfly species in the back. I asked my husband and found out he had been reading those names to her....and she was RIGHT!! It really was a black swallowtail. From that day on...we have seen her recognize many different types of butterflies. She even figured out the different between moths and butterflies...between male and female monarch butterflies...the different types of caterpillars...how the caterpillar sheds it's skin...what their favorite plants are...and many many many other facts and findings. She has such a thirst for knowledge. We just keep encouraging her...keep on praising our little passionate butterfly scientist. I never would have had this type of concentration at her age (...yeah right...who am I kidding...I don't even have that kind of focus at my age now). She just continues to amaze me everyday with her sheer passion and brilliance.
Autism Land is a gift. It will change you forever. Being a permanent visitor has taught me so much in understanding, patience, humility, and tolerance in my life. It has brought me to me knees...it has put me in the clouds...it has taught me life lessons that I am forever thankful for. I will never again look at someone else and judge...I will never again think that it can never happen to me...I will never again think I can do this life on my own. The Lord has used Autism Land in my life to show me His love and strengthen my faith. He has blessed me over and over. My two little butterfly residence are perfect in His sight. And I know....He made them just the way they are.
So take a trip and visit Autism Land....you'll meet someone amazing....you'll laugh and you'll cry....you'r faith will be strengthened....and you might even realize that normal isn't so normal after all.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Butterfly School
This summer has taken us on a journey...to the butterfly school. It began with huge leaps of faith...a ton of prayer....and ended with a blessing in disquise...
Before the end of the school year...I knew we had to find a new school for Addie and C. Like many family's with special needs children, I found them caught in the "middle". The school system said they needed to be in a regular classroom...mainstreamed...despite their behavior problems and verbal delays...they are both highly intelligent for their age. Of course, not just every classroom is suitable for a child with autism. Not every preschool understands how to teach children with autism. Not every school accepts these challenges and focuses on their strengths. We really didn't know where to turn.
I began to pray about this...pray for the right teachers...pray for direction...pray for peace about this decision. Over and over, every time I asked one of our therapists or other families with autism...they all recommended the SAME school. It was almost a little creepy to hear these people that did not know each other...with 100's of preschools in the area...all recommending the SAME one!!! I had no idea why...I had never heard of this school...but I really felt the Lord was leading us to go there.
So, I made the call. Immediately I asked the receptionist about children with autism...do they accept them?...can they work with all the therapists?...How do they handle the behavior problems?...Are the teachers educated in special needs? I was waiting for her to say something negative...or maybe not understand...or give me a patient answer. I was thankfully surprised...as she shared her personal story with me that her son has autism...aspergers syndrome. She was so understanding and really encouraged me that everything was going to be fine and they know exactly how to work with all types of children. She even told me how successful her own son had been in that school. She told me about all the special training the teachers attend...and the many children that they have already attending with special needs. A wave of relief washed over me. I was so excited. This was the perfect school...mainstream...yet specialized in special needs...the perfect combination for my two little butterflies. Then I asked the dreaded question about tuition payments. Of course, it was more expensive than the school they had gone to before. We had gotten a scholarship based on our income at the other school...and I had no idea if we could get one...and for how much at this new school. After I hung up the phone I was in tears...."Lord why did you send me to this school...I already love it...and we can't afford it....it's perfect for the kids...but what do you want me to do?". The Lord was quiet...or I wasn't listening is probably more like it. I was trying to figure out how I was going to do it myself...forgetting that He will provide. I was in my mommy stress mode trying to call every other school...trying to see what else was out there. There had to be a way....and I was going to figure it out.
Meanwhile I was asked to speak at a meeting with several educators and area preschool directors about Addie. I was a nervous wreck...but somehow I made it through. Afterwards, I was introduced to the director of the SAME preschool that everyone had recommended. It gave me chills...it was another sign. I immediately had such a peace when talking with her...and sharing with her. She assured me that they have many children on the spectrum and with other special needs. In that moment...I just knew I needed to go take a tour and see this school.
The day came for the school tour...as I walked in...I was praying "Lord give me a sign that you want us to go here...and we will somehow figure out how to pay for it...just give me a sign.". I'm sure He was laughing at me...Duh...as if he hadn't given me several signs already. As we walked around the school the director took me outside and shared with me her own story about her grandchild with special needs. We both got teary eyed as we talked about it...and I knew she really understood and has a heart for these kids. Next we walked into Addie's classroom....to my surprise...it was FULL of butterflies. I almost burst into tears. Her new teacher told me that her favorite thing is butterflies...they take trips to see the butterflies...they have a butterfly garden...they have a worm garden...they love bugs...and on and on. Everything was sooo perfect for Addie. Then I noticed they had a picture schedule on the wall...and a quiet corner to escape. And to top it all off....The quiet corner was GREEN....Addie's favorite color. She is extremely color sensitive...and LOVES everything green. The whole time I had chills...every single detail was almost too perfect!! I think God was laughing again...saying "you want signs....well here's some more for ya...how many signs do you want??".
I knew I needed to make a decision...quickly...they only had 1 spot left for Addie's age group. I was in tears on the way home...."Lord...what are we going to do...we can't even afford the first month...why are you torturing me." I think I was still trying to do it on my own...in my own strength...in my own logical way...this wasn't going to work.
We had to decide. Summer was coming fast and we had to get the kids into school. For me as a kid....summer was always a time full of fun...pools...beach trips...watching cartoons...no homework....making forts in the woods...playing kick ball until the lighting bugs came out. Most kids love summer break....they love a chance to relax and not have the normal busy routine. On the contrary...for a child with autism...the change in routine of being out of school for summer can be almost maddening. Addie and C thrive on routine...and cannot handle too many changes at once. Changing school was going to be monumental...and overwhelming for everyone...but they have to be in school.
After prayers upon prayers...we put down the deposit. I knew everything was telling us to go there...the Lord was crystal clear that this is where we needed to be. He didn't even "crack" any other doors....just left this one wide open. It is honestly one of the HUGEST leaps of faith I've ever taken. We paid the first month...and had no clue how we were going to pay for the next. Honestly there were moments I felt a peace about it....and moments I was wondering if I was going crazy. We applied for a scholarship...and just prayed...and prayed...and waited...and waited.
Over the next month I went to a seminar about autism. Who was there?...And who ended up at my same table?? Addie's new teacher!!! Again this was another confirmation of our decision. I got chills when I realized that out of all these people we ended up at the same table for the day. The teachers were taking their time to do special training in specifically dealing with children with autism. It was amazing.
So the first day of school came and went. Social stories...visits...driving through the parking lot....over and over and over. We were super prepped for a major meltdown for Addie. Meanwhile we were just discovering about C's needs. Their teachers have been amazing. After the first week or so...both were settling in and really beginning to enjoy themselves. Every day when we get in the car for school Addie asks "are we going to my new school?"...and I say "yes"...."YAYYY" she screams. This is a first for her...I have never been so thankful.
About two weeks before tuition was due...I was beginning to panic. "What are we going to do if we don't get a scholarship? Lord ...helllo....are you there??"
Then it happened...
Monday morning I was corralling the kids into school. It was an especially rough transition that morning. C escaped and ran away from me....straight into the director and a new family having a tour. Then Addie got upset and left C's classroom door open...letting out several running toddlers. Finally the teachers and I corralled them all back inside. Addie was screaming "I don't want them to look at me....ahhhhhhh....stop....ahhhhhh"...about the toddlers in C's class. C was screaming and kicking. Phewww...we finally left C's class and headed towards Addie's. One of her friends says..."hey Addie!!!". Uh ohh I thought....here we go...."NOOOO....I don't want my friends to see me...ahhhh...don't talk to me...don't talk to me....ahhhhhhh". Addie likes to be the first to say hello...and if she doesn't know what to say...she gets really upset. After a little struggle...and hiding under a table...and a lot of prompting...she went inside. The teacher slowly coaxed her into the group and she seemed to relax. I stayed to peek inside the two-way glass and watch them settle down. Finally both kids were settled and I headed towards the director's office to appologize for our dramatic entrance this morning...and to thank her for her help.
She asked me to step into her office. My heart sank...I thought...oh no maybe we were really too crazy this morning. Maybe she's going to tell me to try another approach, etc... I wasn't sure. She began to tell me about her church on Sunday. The church supports the scholarship program at the school...and the pastor had asked her to speak on Sunday about the scholarship program. She told me that she had decided to speak about Addie...but had kept her name annonomous, etc... I totally relieved she wasn't upset about our grand entrance. "That's great" I told her. Then she said "After hearing your story, there is a church member that has felt lead to sponsor Addie". All the sudden....I felt like she was speaking in slow motion and I hadn't heard her correctly. "Sponsor Addie?" I asked...."Yes...sponsor...they want to pay for her tuition". I felt a huge lump in my throat...my eyes immediatley welled up with tears. We both just stood there crying and hugging. I didn't know what to say...I didn't know what to do....I couldn't believe what had just happened. TOTAL and complete SHOCK. NO WAY...NO WAY...I just couldn't believe it. I got in my car and bawled my eyes out all the way to work. "thank you Lord...thank you Lord....thank you Lord....how could I have ever doubted you?...forgive me Lord...you are such a huge God....thank you for giving us the faith to put the kids in this school....thank you".
I called my mom and dad to tell them the news. My dad was dead silent on the phone......then he told me about their Sunday school class. On that exact Sunday...at the exact time the director spoke to her church and the person felt lead to sponsor Addie...his Sunday school class did a special prayer for our family. They prayed specifically for Addie and C's school tuition and our finances. A cold chill washed over me...and I was in tears again. WOW...there is such power in prayer and in faith. God called us to take a leap of faith....and in His perfect timing....He provided. I felt like shouting from the rooftops.
This is the summer of the Butterfly School. I'm calling it that because of the butterfly's that lead us there and the promise that God made to us. I think Addie and C are going to fly there...maybe even soar...and I know they are going to be surrounded by the best teachers and therapists to help them in their journey. I know this will give them the best possible start to their school career.
To the person that felt the Lord calling you to sponsor Addie....I can never thank you enough for answering that call. You allowed the Lord to use you in His plan...you were a vessel for Him. This has blessed our family in such a way that will change us forever. You have truly made a difference in life of a child. Thank you.
I have once again learned that I cannot do this alone. There are so many people praying for us and supporting us. We are so blessed and so thankful for this crazy, stressful, insane, maddening, beautiful, amazing butterfly journey.
Before the end of the school year...I knew we had to find a new school for Addie and C. Like many family's with special needs children, I found them caught in the "middle". The school system said they needed to be in a regular classroom...mainstreamed...despite their behavior problems and verbal delays...they are both highly intelligent for their age. Of course, not just every classroom is suitable for a child with autism. Not every preschool understands how to teach children with autism. Not every school accepts these challenges and focuses on their strengths. We really didn't know where to turn.
I began to pray about this...pray for the right teachers...pray for direction...pray for peace about this decision. Over and over, every time I asked one of our therapists or other families with autism...they all recommended the SAME school. It was almost a little creepy to hear these people that did not know each other...with 100's of preschools in the area...all recommending the SAME one!!! I had no idea why...I had never heard of this school...but I really felt the Lord was leading us to go there.
So, I made the call. Immediately I asked the receptionist about children with autism...do they accept them?...can they work with all the therapists?...How do they handle the behavior problems?...Are the teachers educated in special needs? I was waiting for her to say something negative...or maybe not understand...or give me a patient answer. I was thankfully surprised...as she shared her personal story with me that her son has autism...aspergers syndrome. She was so understanding and really encouraged me that everything was going to be fine and they know exactly how to work with all types of children. She even told me how successful her own son had been in that school. She told me about all the special training the teachers attend...and the many children that they have already attending with special needs. A wave of relief washed over me. I was so excited. This was the perfect school...mainstream...yet specialized in special needs...the perfect combination for my two little butterflies. Then I asked the dreaded question about tuition payments. Of course, it was more expensive than the school they had gone to before. We had gotten a scholarship based on our income at the other school...and I had no idea if we could get one...and for how much at this new school. After I hung up the phone I was in tears...."Lord why did you send me to this school...I already love it...and we can't afford it....it's perfect for the kids...but what do you want me to do?". The Lord was quiet...or I wasn't listening is probably more like it. I was trying to figure out how I was going to do it myself...forgetting that He will provide. I was in my mommy stress mode trying to call every other school...trying to see what else was out there. There had to be a way....and I was going to figure it out.
Meanwhile I was asked to speak at a meeting with several educators and area preschool directors about Addie. I was a nervous wreck...but somehow I made it through. Afterwards, I was introduced to the director of the SAME preschool that everyone had recommended. It gave me chills...it was another sign. I immediately had such a peace when talking with her...and sharing with her. She assured me that they have many children on the spectrum and with other special needs. In that moment...I just knew I needed to go take a tour and see this school.
The day came for the school tour...as I walked in...I was praying "Lord give me a sign that you want us to go here...and we will somehow figure out how to pay for it...just give me a sign.". I'm sure He was laughing at me...Duh...as if he hadn't given me several signs already. As we walked around the school the director took me outside and shared with me her own story about her grandchild with special needs. We both got teary eyed as we talked about it...and I knew she really understood and has a heart for these kids. Next we walked into Addie's classroom....to my surprise...it was FULL of butterflies. I almost burst into tears. Her new teacher told me that her favorite thing is butterflies...they take trips to see the butterflies...they have a butterfly garden...they have a worm garden...they love bugs...and on and on. Everything was sooo perfect for Addie. Then I noticed they had a picture schedule on the wall...and a quiet corner to escape. And to top it all off....The quiet corner was GREEN....Addie's favorite color. She is extremely color sensitive...and LOVES everything green. The whole time I had chills...every single detail was almost too perfect!! I think God was laughing again...saying "you want signs....well here's some more for ya...how many signs do you want??".
I knew I needed to make a decision...quickly...they only had 1 spot left for Addie's age group. I was in tears on the way home...."Lord...what are we going to do...we can't even afford the first month...why are you torturing me." I think I was still trying to do it on my own...in my own strength...in my own logical way...this wasn't going to work.
We had to decide. Summer was coming fast and we had to get the kids into school. For me as a kid....summer was always a time full of fun...pools...beach trips...watching cartoons...no homework....making forts in the woods...playing kick ball until the lighting bugs came out. Most kids love summer break....they love a chance to relax and not have the normal busy routine. On the contrary...for a child with autism...the change in routine of being out of school for summer can be almost maddening. Addie and C thrive on routine...and cannot handle too many changes at once. Changing school was going to be monumental...and overwhelming for everyone...but they have to be in school.
After prayers upon prayers...we put down the deposit. I knew everything was telling us to go there...the Lord was crystal clear that this is where we needed to be. He didn't even "crack" any other doors....just left this one wide open. It is honestly one of the HUGEST leaps of faith I've ever taken. We paid the first month...and had no clue how we were going to pay for the next. Honestly there were moments I felt a peace about it....and moments I was wondering if I was going crazy. We applied for a scholarship...and just prayed...and prayed...and waited...and waited.
Over the next month I went to a seminar about autism. Who was there?...And who ended up at my same table?? Addie's new teacher!!! Again this was another confirmation of our decision. I got chills when I realized that out of all these people we ended up at the same table for the day. The teachers were taking their time to do special training in specifically dealing with children with autism. It was amazing.
So the first day of school came and went. Social stories...visits...driving through the parking lot....over and over and over. We were super prepped for a major meltdown for Addie. Meanwhile we were just discovering about C's needs. Their teachers have been amazing. After the first week or so...both were settling in and really beginning to enjoy themselves. Every day when we get in the car for school Addie asks "are we going to my new school?"...and I say "yes"...."YAYYY" she screams. This is a first for her...I have never been so thankful.
About two weeks before tuition was due...I was beginning to panic. "What are we going to do if we don't get a scholarship? Lord ...helllo....are you there??"
Then it happened...
Monday morning I was corralling the kids into school. It was an especially rough transition that morning. C escaped and ran away from me....straight into the director and a new family having a tour. Then Addie got upset and left C's classroom door open...letting out several running toddlers. Finally the teachers and I corralled them all back inside. Addie was screaming "I don't want them to look at me....ahhhhhhh....stop....ahhhhhh"...about the toddlers in C's class. C was screaming and kicking. Phewww...we finally left C's class and headed towards Addie's. One of her friends says..."hey Addie!!!". Uh ohh I thought....here we go...."NOOOO....I don't want my friends to see me...ahhhh...don't talk to me...don't talk to me....ahhhhhhh". Addie likes to be the first to say hello...and if she doesn't know what to say...she gets really upset. After a little struggle...and hiding under a table...and a lot of prompting...she went inside. The teacher slowly coaxed her into the group and she seemed to relax. I stayed to peek inside the two-way glass and watch them settle down. Finally both kids were settled and I headed towards the director's office to appologize for our dramatic entrance this morning...and to thank her for her help.
She asked me to step into her office. My heart sank...I thought...oh no maybe we were really too crazy this morning. Maybe she's going to tell me to try another approach, etc... I wasn't sure. She began to tell me about her church on Sunday. The church supports the scholarship program at the school...and the pastor had asked her to speak on Sunday about the scholarship program. She told me that she had decided to speak about Addie...but had kept her name annonomous, etc... I totally relieved she wasn't upset about our grand entrance. "That's great" I told her. Then she said "After hearing your story, there is a church member that has felt lead to sponsor Addie". All the sudden....I felt like she was speaking in slow motion and I hadn't heard her correctly. "Sponsor Addie?" I asked...."Yes...sponsor...they want to pay for her tuition". I felt a huge lump in my throat...my eyes immediatley welled up with tears. We both just stood there crying and hugging. I didn't know what to say...I didn't know what to do....I couldn't believe what had just happened. TOTAL and complete SHOCK. NO WAY...NO WAY...I just couldn't believe it. I got in my car and bawled my eyes out all the way to work. "thank you Lord...thank you Lord....thank you Lord....how could I have ever doubted you?...forgive me Lord...you are such a huge God....thank you for giving us the faith to put the kids in this school....thank you".
I called my mom and dad to tell them the news. My dad was dead silent on the phone......then he told me about their Sunday school class. On that exact Sunday...at the exact time the director spoke to her church and the person felt lead to sponsor Addie...his Sunday school class did a special prayer for our family. They prayed specifically for Addie and C's school tuition and our finances. A cold chill washed over me...and I was in tears again. WOW...there is such power in prayer and in faith. God called us to take a leap of faith....and in His perfect timing....He provided. I felt like shouting from the rooftops.
This is the summer of the Butterfly School. I'm calling it that because of the butterfly's that lead us there and the promise that God made to us. I think Addie and C are going to fly there...maybe even soar...and I know they are going to be surrounded by the best teachers and therapists to help them in their journey. I know this will give them the best possible start to their school career.
To the person that felt the Lord calling you to sponsor Addie....I can never thank you enough for answering that call. You allowed the Lord to use you in His plan...you were a vessel for Him. This has blessed our family in such a way that will change us forever. You have truly made a difference in life of a child. Thank you.
I have once again learned that I cannot do this alone. There are so many people praying for us and supporting us. We are so blessed and so thankful for this crazy, stressful, insane, maddening, beautiful, amazing butterfly journey.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
"To the Journey...
...because Autism is where you've been, not where you're going. It is the path you walk, but not the road you follow."
I wanted to share this beautiful painting and quote that was created by my sister...Aunt Leslie. She is a wonderful artist & writer...and has been such a huge support through this whole process.
Thank you so much girl...you are amazing...we love you.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Another butterfly is born...
It was the morning of C's evaluation...
I sat with Addie and watched as the second butterfly hatched from it's chrysalis. We had several caterpillars living on our kitchen counter for the past few weeks...and they were finally turning into butterflies. It was an exciting morning. In the back of my mind I thought..."Is this a sign Lord?...What is today going to bring?". But I was busy enjoying the moment with Addie...busy getting ready for the day....C was busy with his trains. It was a typical morning.
You would think the second time around you would be more prepared...more knowledgeable...more understanding of the diagnosis. But I am here to say...I was not. It's just as hard, just as heartbreaking, and just as much a process of grieving as the first time you hear those words..."Your child has autism".
Over the past few months we have been increasingly concerned with our son C's spinning, sensory issues, language development, social skills, odd behaviors, and the list goes on... So we decided it would be smart to have him tested.
Driving to the office...it hit me....I put on my sunglasses so no one could see me cry. I kept praying..."Lord I can't do this again....I can't hear those words again....I just don't have strength...I don't have the time to see more therapists...I can't do this....he already has so many other health problems....how are we going to make it...he's so happy....he's so different from Addie...there's no way he has autism too". My mind was spinning...and my stomach was churning. Finally we got a parking space. He likes to run..so I buckled him tight in the stroller. We walked about a block and headed in the building. Of course, he loved the elevator...tilting his head back and waving his arms in the air. "EEeeeeeee" he was screaming the whole way. He loves to be in motion.
We finally make it up to the waiting room for the early intervention program. Immediately C finds the knobs on the pretend stove and starts spinning them...over and over. My heart sank as I watched him. Then the psychologist walked in...he quickly started taking notes and observing him. I tried to get C's attention to make him stop the odd behavior..."C..C...come here C". He didn't hear me...he was in his own little world spinning the knobs. I was thinking "I know this looks bad...but he's not really like this". Then he noticed the cabinet on the stove. He opened and closed it...banging it loudly... over and over....bang...bang...bang. In my head I was thinking..."Why is he acting like this? He doesn't do this normally". Then a cold chill came over me. I realized more than ever....I was in denial AGAIN. He IS like this....this is my little C and this IS how he is. He DOES act like this normally.
Then the process starts...several hours of questions, tests, screenings, and evaluations. Meanwhile...C is running around the room...slamming his stroller into the walls...jumping off chairs...spinning...flipping. It was an exhausting process. Suddenly he became fascinated with a plastic bottle they gave him...screwing and unscrewing the lid over and over and over. The psychologist tried to get his attention to no avail. He finally decided to flip C in his arms over and over.....then he was in heaven...flipping over and over and over. Screaming and laughing...shaking his head around....he was being my happy little C. I was watching everyone taking notes...and questioning...I knew what they were thinking. I knew what they were going to say. I was just hoping it wasn't so.
They sent us back to the waiting room to discuss his test results. Sitting there alone with my little boy...C spun the knobs over and over....then he wanted to jump off the chairs over and over and over. Constantly seeking...constantly in motion...constantly smiling.
Then everyone walked in the room...by this point... C was crawling through a pretend school bus window and jumping off the hood over and over and over. They gave me the criteria for being accepted into their early intervention program. Then they told me that C would definitely qualify. In robotic fashion they told me that he had the language skills of a 7 month old...the blah blah skills of a 10 month old...blah blah blah. I couldn't hear anything past 7 months old. HE IS 19 MONTHS OLD. He's more than a year behind. It was like a slap in the face with reality. It was overwhelming...I couldn't hear anything else they said after that. My mind was whirling...."we have to help him....what have we done wrong...I'm a terrible mommy...why didn't I know before...what is wrong with C".
They went through all the concerns that they had for him. Finally they said IT... "we think has autism...but we want to see if he improves with therapy and gets a little older... before we give him an official diagnosis". There it is...they said it. AUTISM. I was crushed to hear those words... I knew in my heart that it was so...but it was still so crushing.
I held it together until we left the office. I broke down in tears when we got to the car...I definitely had a weak moment with God. I looked back at C's smiling face...he was dancing to the music on the radio...beautifully oblivious to what had just happened. "Why my sweet little boy too?....Why God why?...How on earth am I going to be able to handle two kids with autism?". Once again the Lord quietly whispered to me ..."you can't handle it...you can't handle it alone...I will be with you...I will give you the strength". Just when I think I have everything figured out...just when I think things are settling down....WHAM....I'm stopped in my tracks. Once again I learn I CAN NOT do this alone...the only way I can do this...is with Christ by my side.
When we finally got home...I sat there watching C....analyzing his behavior...my mind whirling from all the therapist's had said. He seems so different to me...he has autism...everything had changed. Then I realized...he's not any different today than he was yesterday. The diagnosis doesn't change him...he's still the same...he's still my little C....my precious little boy. This doesn't change anything. It just means therapy...early intervention...education. It's the beginning of a new journey...a new adventure....a new butterfly journey.
My little C will have his own butterfly journey...and everyone's life that he touches will have their own journey with him as well. He is amazing and perfect....and EXACTLY the way God intended him to be. He is precious in HIS sight. I am so thankful to have these children that God has entrusted me with. I can't imagine our lives any different. It's crazy most days...but it's life...and it's the life God has given me....and I'm thankful for that.
We are so blessed to have two beautiful butterflies. Two children who see the world in a completely different way. Two children who show love in ways that not many understand. Two children who just need others to believe in them and see their strengths.
God doesn't make mistakes...and He made Addie and C...perfect in every way. I'm so thankful for these two amazing little people in my life...and all that they teach me every day.
I sat with Addie and watched as the second butterfly hatched from it's chrysalis. We had several caterpillars living on our kitchen counter for the past few weeks...and they were finally turning into butterflies. It was an exciting morning. In the back of my mind I thought..."Is this a sign Lord?...What is today going to bring?". But I was busy enjoying the moment with Addie...busy getting ready for the day....C was busy with his trains. It was a typical morning.
You would think the second time around you would be more prepared...more knowledgeable...more understanding of the diagnosis. But I am here to say...I was not. It's just as hard, just as heartbreaking, and just as much a process of grieving as the first time you hear those words..."Your child has autism".
Over the past few months we have been increasingly concerned with our son C's spinning, sensory issues, language development, social skills, odd behaviors, and the list goes on... So we decided it would be smart to have him tested.
Driving to the office...it hit me....I put on my sunglasses so no one could see me cry. I kept praying..."Lord I can't do this again....I can't hear those words again....I just don't have strength...I don't have the time to see more therapists...I can't do this....he already has so many other health problems....how are we going to make it...he's so happy....he's so different from Addie...there's no way he has autism too". My mind was spinning...and my stomach was churning. Finally we got a parking space. He likes to run..so I buckled him tight in the stroller. We walked about a block and headed in the building. Of course, he loved the elevator...tilting his head back and waving his arms in the air. "EEeeeeeee" he was screaming the whole way. He loves to be in motion.
We finally make it up to the waiting room for the early intervention program. Immediately C finds the knobs on the pretend stove and starts spinning them...over and over. My heart sank as I watched him. Then the psychologist walked in...he quickly started taking notes and observing him. I tried to get C's attention to make him stop the odd behavior..."C..C...come here C". He didn't hear me...he was in his own little world spinning the knobs. I was thinking "I know this looks bad...but he's not really like this". Then he noticed the cabinet on the stove. He opened and closed it...banging it loudly... over and over....bang...bang...bang. In my head I was thinking..."Why is he acting like this? He doesn't do this normally". Then a cold chill came over me. I realized more than ever....I was in denial AGAIN. He IS like this....this is my little C and this IS how he is. He DOES act like this normally.
Then the process starts...several hours of questions, tests, screenings, and evaluations. Meanwhile...C is running around the room...slamming his stroller into the walls...jumping off chairs...spinning...flipping. It was an exhausting process. Suddenly he became fascinated with a plastic bottle they gave him...screwing and unscrewing the lid over and over and over. The psychologist tried to get his attention to no avail. He finally decided to flip C in his arms over and over.....then he was in heaven...flipping over and over and over. Screaming and laughing...shaking his head around....he was being my happy little C. I was watching everyone taking notes...and questioning...I knew what they were thinking. I knew what they were going to say. I was just hoping it wasn't so.
They sent us back to the waiting room to discuss his test results. Sitting there alone with my little boy...C spun the knobs over and over....then he wanted to jump off the chairs over and over and over. Constantly seeking...constantly in motion...constantly smiling.
Then everyone walked in the room...by this point... C was crawling through a pretend school bus window and jumping off the hood over and over and over. They gave me the criteria for being accepted into their early intervention program. Then they told me that C would definitely qualify. In robotic fashion they told me that he had the language skills of a 7 month old...the blah blah skills of a 10 month old...blah blah blah. I couldn't hear anything past 7 months old. HE IS 19 MONTHS OLD. He's more than a year behind. It was like a slap in the face with reality. It was overwhelming...I couldn't hear anything else they said after that. My mind was whirling...."we have to help him....what have we done wrong...I'm a terrible mommy...why didn't I know before...what is wrong with C".
They went through all the concerns that they had for him. Finally they said IT... "we think has autism...but we want to see if he improves with therapy and gets a little older... before we give him an official diagnosis". There it is...they said it. AUTISM. I was crushed to hear those words... I knew in my heart that it was so...but it was still so crushing.
I held it together until we left the office. I broke down in tears when we got to the car...I definitely had a weak moment with God. I looked back at C's smiling face...he was dancing to the music on the radio...beautifully oblivious to what had just happened. "Why my sweet little boy too?....Why God why?...How on earth am I going to be able to handle two kids with autism?". Once again the Lord quietly whispered to me ..."you can't handle it...you can't handle it alone...I will be with you...I will give you the strength". Just when I think I have everything figured out...just when I think things are settling down....WHAM....I'm stopped in my tracks. Once again I learn I CAN NOT do this alone...the only way I can do this...is with Christ by my side.
When we finally got home...I sat there watching C....analyzing his behavior...my mind whirling from all the therapist's had said. He seems so different to me...he has autism...everything had changed. Then I realized...he's not any different today than he was yesterday. The diagnosis doesn't change him...he's still the same...he's still my little C....my precious little boy. This doesn't change anything. It just means therapy...early intervention...education. It's the beginning of a new journey...a new adventure....a new butterfly journey.
My little C will have his own butterfly journey...and everyone's life that he touches will have their own journey with him as well. He is amazing and perfect....and EXACTLY the way God intended him to be. He is precious in HIS sight. I am so thankful to have these children that God has entrusted me with. I can't imagine our lives any different. It's crazy most days...but it's life...and it's the life God has given me....and I'm thankful for that.
We are so blessed to have two beautiful butterflies. Two children who see the world in a completely different way. Two children who show love in ways that not many understand. Two children who just need others to believe in them and see their strengths.
God doesn't make mistakes...and He made Addie and C...perfect in every way. I'm so thankful for these two amazing little people in my life...and all that they teach me every day.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Pop Pop's Birthday Poem
This is a poem written by Addie's "Pop Pop" (aka my dad)...
Through your bright & glistening eyes,
Caterpillars always turn into butterflies,
Floor tiles form secret passageways,
Flowers are to be picked & treasured always
Pretty, pretty...
Through your cautious listening ears,
Loud noises can suddenly bring the tears,
And every sound must be explained,
We might have missed it unless we strained,
Kitty, kitty...
Through your ever moving hands,
Play dough transforms into pizza strands,
Rocks must be thrown and must not stay,
Upon the ground no not today,
Eeeeeeooooow....
Through your constantly moving feet,
Cowering at times from new people to meet,
Or running to find a puddle or a bug,
Or to Hello Kitty to get a soft pillowy hug,
Meeeeeeeoooow.....
Through your tiny voice oh so sweet,
Or like a booming intercom oh how neat,
You can stop a toddler right in his tracks,
Or bring us back....just to the facts,
Seeeeeeee?
Through your mind so constantly new,
Nothing escapes your ever present view,
You're like a sponge absorbing it all,
While keeping perfect balance on top of a wall,
Look at meeeee....
Through your years now almost four,
As if God's creation you were to underscore,
You teach us daily what we otherwise might miss,
Stopping to notice, is that a plane?
Making trails in the sky?
Through your smiling face we see,
A childlike trust that Jesus will be,
Your protector from every earthly foe,
So big and strong you'll someday grow,
Just like a beautiful butterfly!
Written by: Steve Hill "Pop Pop" - 2011
Through your bright & glistening eyes,
Caterpillars always turn into butterflies,
Floor tiles form secret passageways,
Flowers are to be picked & treasured always
Pretty, pretty...
Through your cautious listening ears,
Loud noises can suddenly bring the tears,
And every sound must be explained,
We might have missed it unless we strained,
Kitty, kitty...
Through your ever moving hands,
Play dough transforms into pizza strands,
Rocks must be thrown and must not stay,
Upon the ground no not today,
Eeeeeeooooow....
Through your constantly moving feet,
Cowering at times from new people to meet,
Or running to find a puddle or a bug,
Or to Hello Kitty to get a soft pillowy hug,
Meeeeeeeoooow.....
Through your tiny voice oh so sweet,
Or like a booming intercom oh how neat,
You can stop a toddler right in his tracks,
Or bring us back....just to the facts,
Seeeeeeee?
Through your mind so constantly new,
Nothing escapes your ever present view,
You're like a sponge absorbing it all,
While keeping perfect balance on top of a wall,
Look at meeeee....
Through your years now almost four,
As if God's creation you were to underscore,
You teach us daily what we otherwise might miss,
Stopping to notice, is that a plane?
Making trails in the sky?
Through your smiling face we see,
A childlike trust that Jesus will be,
Your protector from every earthly foe,
So big and strong you'll someday grow,
Just like a beautiful butterfly!
Written by: Steve Hill "Pop Pop" - 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Being a Mama...
These are some life lessons from "Mamahood"
(and yes...we say "mama" here in the south) ...
I think every mother would agree...that NO ONE could have prepared them for the job of "MAMA". From the moment you see those two pink lines or that little "peanut" on the ultrasound or get the phone call from the adoption agency......your whole world changes.
All the thoughtful advise...books...and classes in the world cannot prepare you for ...4am feedings (when you just fell asleep at 3)....the strange sticky goo that seems to cover everything 3ft and down....the never ending stream of snacks and sippy cups....dancing in your car even though you look crazy just to make your child laugh...the insane amount of trips to the emergency room and the doctors...two kids screaming in stereo at ear drum piercing decibels in the car...sitting alone in an office hearing "your child has autism"...holding down their sweet little legs when they have to get a shot...having to bring the whole closet of toys in the bathroom so that you can entertain the kids while grabbing a shower...how to fit two kids in the buggy AND a weeks worth of grocerys...walking on red lines and watching out for cracks to avoid meltdowns...knowing where every "quiet" public restroom is (even if you have to befriend the manager at Stride Rite)...advocating and standing up for what your child needs...swallowing your pride and asking for help...realizing half way to work that you are still listening to "twinkle twinkle little star" for no reason...I could go on for hours...
Being a mama is the most selfless duty on earth. But even though there are many days I feel like all I do is GIVE and GIVE. When I stop to reflect ...there is so much that I am GETTING from this journey....so many lessons I've learned from being a Mama....
Being a Mama... I have learned why my own Mama did the things that she did. I know why she "had eyes in the back of her head"...and I am thankful that she did. I know why she said that "punishment hurt her more than it did me"....but I'm glad she stuck to what she said. I know how hard it was to say "no" when she really always wanted to say "yes"...and I wouldn't be where I am today if she hadn't. I know why she didn't mind sacrificing her career and dreams to be home with my sister and I...and I can never thank her enough for that. Becoming a mom has shown me what an amazing person that she is. She is truly my hero...she is not perfect and she will tell you so...but she loves the Lord with all her heart ...and I can honestly say that anyone that has met her would tell you so. She breaths light in a dark world. I am so blessed to have such a woman of God in my life and so thankful that she is my Mama.
Being a Mama....I have found a love so strong that I never knew I could have. From the first steps...to the caterpillar "presents"....to the doctors telling you your life will never be what you thought...to sneaking in their room to give them a goodnight kiss...to the millions of therapy hours...to enormous melt-down in the middle of the grocery....to the precious prayers at bedtime. You realize a love so deep that you can't imagine anyone being able to love someone more. You love your child when they are throwing up...or screaming mad...or laughing hysterically...or after they have made a complete "masterpiece" out of your antique rug. These lessons in unconditional love have made the unconditional love of Christ so much more real to me. He loves me even when I make the hugest mistakes...sometimes so big that I cannot even forgive myself...He keeps His promises....forgiving me and loving me. And He does this because I am His precious child.
Being a Mama...I have learned that I cannot do this alone. I once thought that I was pretty much in control of my life. "Life is what you make it"..."Pull yourself up by your boot straps"...you know the drill. But the Lord has shown me over and over again (He tends to do that when you don't get the point the first time) that I am most certainly not. Sitting in office after office hearing that your child has a neurological disorder that cannot be "fixed" or "cured"...sitting through hours of therapy...filling out pounds of paperwork...staying up until all hours of the night trying to figure out how to pay for it all and still put food on the table. I have learned the hard way...that I cannot do this alone. The old saying that "God will never give you anything you can't handle"...WELL, that isn't exactly true. He ALWAYS gives you things that you can't handle. You can't handle them without Him. Mamahood has drawn me closer to God and my faith in Christ Jesus. There is absolutely no way I could do this alone.
Being a Mama...I have learned that the sacrifices you freely and thoughtlessly give are immeasurable. Mama's truly give until there's nothing left to give. You begin to fully understand the amazing love that God has for us that He would send His only son to die for us...so that we might live. I can't imagine sacrificing one of my children. But I think in some ways...that's what He asks of us. They are not ours...they are His. He made them perfectly in His image...no matter what type of special need they may have or how different they might be...they are perfect images of Christ. It's a process of laying your children at the foot of the cross. It's a process of letting go. God is constantly reminding me of this when I am overwhelmed...tired... and just grieving over this rocky journey. He is there to bear the load and take away my every fear... He has already made the ultimate sacrifice.
Being a Mama...I have learned what "faith like a child" really means. Addie, in particular, takes everything very literally. Her faith in Christ is no different. I feel like that is one of the "gifts" of her autism. After talking to her about how Jesus is always with us even when we are afraid, she was screaming in the bathroom about the flushing toilets. All the sudden she stopped...and started screaming "Jesus is with me ....Jesus is with me....Jesus is with me". Everyone in the bathroom was staring...some laughing....but I had tears in my eyes. Her faith amazed me. You know...she really "gets it" better than we do sometimes. Her faith is so honest and pure. After telling her about asking Jesus into her heart...she immediately opened her mouth as wide as she could. At first I wasn't sure what she was doing...I thought maybe she didn't understand. So I asked..."what are you doing?"....I got chills as she said "come inside Jesus". Now she tells people that Jesus is "inside her belly". Every story we read about the Lord she takes literally word for word...she doesn't read into any theology...she doesn't question it...she just believes. She has taught me so much about my own faith in so many ways. It is truly a childlike faith.
Being a Mama...I never thought I could do all that I do...I never thought I could pray as much as I've prayed....I never thought I could endure all that we've gone through...I never thought I could cry as much as I've cryed....I never thought I could love as much as I've loved...and I never thought I could be as FULL and RICH and BLESSED as I am by these precious gifts that God has given me.
Mamahood is a process of letting go and letting God. It's not a journey for the faint of heart. Some may have it a little easier...some a little harder...but either way....it's a journey that will leave you forever changed.
(and yes...we say "mama" here in the south) ...
I think every mother would agree...that NO ONE could have prepared them for the job of "MAMA". From the moment you see those two pink lines or that little "peanut" on the ultrasound or get the phone call from the adoption agency......your whole world changes.
All the thoughtful advise...books...and classes in the world cannot prepare you for ...4am feedings (when you just fell asleep at 3)....the strange sticky goo that seems to cover everything 3ft and down....the never ending stream of snacks and sippy cups....dancing in your car even though you look crazy just to make your child laugh...the insane amount of trips to the emergency room and the doctors...two kids screaming in stereo at ear drum piercing decibels in the car...sitting alone in an office hearing "your child has autism"...holding down their sweet little legs when they have to get a shot...having to bring the whole closet of toys in the bathroom so that you can entertain the kids while grabbing a shower...how to fit two kids in the buggy AND a weeks worth of grocerys...walking on red lines and watching out for cracks to avoid meltdowns...knowing where every "quiet" public restroom is (even if you have to befriend the manager at Stride Rite)...advocating and standing up for what your child needs...swallowing your pride and asking for help...realizing half way to work that you are still listening to "twinkle twinkle little star" for no reason...I could go on for hours...
Being a mama is the most selfless duty on earth. But even though there are many days I feel like all I do is GIVE and GIVE. When I stop to reflect ...there is so much that I am GETTING from this journey....so many lessons I've learned from being a Mama....
Being a Mama... I have learned why my own Mama did the things that she did. I know why she "had eyes in the back of her head"...and I am thankful that she did. I know why she said that "punishment hurt her more than it did me"....but I'm glad she stuck to what she said. I know how hard it was to say "no" when she really always wanted to say "yes"...and I wouldn't be where I am today if she hadn't. I know why she didn't mind sacrificing her career and dreams to be home with my sister and I...and I can never thank her enough for that. Becoming a mom has shown me what an amazing person that she is. She is truly my hero...she is not perfect and she will tell you so...but she loves the Lord with all her heart ...and I can honestly say that anyone that has met her would tell you so. She breaths light in a dark world. I am so blessed to have such a woman of God in my life and so thankful that she is my Mama.
Being a Mama....I have found a love so strong that I never knew I could have. From the first steps...to the caterpillar "presents"....to the doctors telling you your life will never be what you thought...to sneaking in their room to give them a goodnight kiss...to the millions of therapy hours...to enormous melt-down in the middle of the grocery....to the precious prayers at bedtime. You realize a love so deep that you can't imagine anyone being able to love someone more. You love your child when they are throwing up...or screaming mad...or laughing hysterically...or after they have made a complete "masterpiece" out of your antique rug. These lessons in unconditional love have made the unconditional love of Christ so much more real to me. He loves me even when I make the hugest mistakes...sometimes so big that I cannot even forgive myself...He keeps His promises....forgiving me and loving me. And He does this because I am His precious child.
Being a Mama...I have learned that I cannot do this alone. I once thought that I was pretty much in control of my life. "Life is what you make it"..."Pull yourself up by your boot straps"...you know the drill. But the Lord has shown me over and over again (He tends to do that when you don't get the point the first time) that I am most certainly not. Sitting in office after office hearing that your child has a neurological disorder that cannot be "fixed" or "cured"...sitting through hours of therapy...filling out pounds of paperwork...staying up until all hours of the night trying to figure out how to pay for it all and still put food on the table. I have learned the hard way...that I cannot do this alone. The old saying that "God will never give you anything you can't handle"...WELL, that isn't exactly true. He ALWAYS gives you things that you can't handle. You can't handle them without Him. Mamahood has drawn me closer to God and my faith in Christ Jesus. There is absolutely no way I could do this alone.
Being a Mama...I have learned that the sacrifices you freely and thoughtlessly give are immeasurable. Mama's truly give until there's nothing left to give. You begin to fully understand the amazing love that God has for us that He would send His only son to die for us...so that we might live. I can't imagine sacrificing one of my children. But I think in some ways...that's what He asks of us. They are not ours...they are His. He made them perfectly in His image...no matter what type of special need they may have or how different they might be...they are perfect images of Christ. It's a process of laying your children at the foot of the cross. It's a process of letting go. God is constantly reminding me of this when I am overwhelmed...tired... and just grieving over this rocky journey. He is there to bear the load and take away my every fear... He has already made the ultimate sacrifice.
Being a Mama...I have learned what "faith like a child" really means. Addie, in particular, takes everything very literally. Her faith in Christ is no different. I feel like that is one of the "gifts" of her autism. After talking to her about how Jesus is always with us even when we are afraid, she was screaming in the bathroom about the flushing toilets. All the sudden she stopped...and started screaming "Jesus is with me ....Jesus is with me....Jesus is with me". Everyone in the bathroom was staring...some laughing....but I had tears in my eyes. Her faith amazed me. You know...she really "gets it" better than we do sometimes. Her faith is so honest and pure. After telling her about asking Jesus into her heart...she immediately opened her mouth as wide as she could. At first I wasn't sure what she was doing...I thought maybe she didn't understand. So I asked..."what are you doing?"....I got chills as she said "come inside Jesus". Now she tells people that Jesus is "inside her belly". Every story we read about the Lord she takes literally word for word...she doesn't read into any theology...she doesn't question it...she just believes. She has taught me so much about my own faith in so many ways. It is truly a childlike faith.
Being a Mama...I never thought I could do all that I do...I never thought I could pray as much as I've prayed....I never thought I could endure all that we've gone through...I never thought I could cry as much as I've cryed....I never thought I could love as much as I've loved...and I never thought I could be as FULL and RICH and BLESSED as I am by these precious gifts that God has given me.
Mamahood is a process of letting go and letting God. It's not a journey for the faint of heart. Some may have it a little easier...some a little harder...but either way....it's a journey that will leave you forever changed.
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